No Satisfaction

My company is discontinuing its employee stock purchase plan, so we all have to tell the bank what to do with our shares by the end of February. I have two choices: the bank can sell the shares and send me the cash, or I can get a stock certificate. I chose to keep the stock, partly because it’s too easy for me to blow any extra cash sent my way, partly because I like the certificate’s design, and partly because I like seeing my name on the shareholders’ register—all reasons not normally found in the finance textbooks.

The customer service representative stopped in the middle of my instructions and said, “Sir, I see that you’re an officer [due to the way the company is organized, it has as many officers as banks have vice presidents] and can’t trade the stock until January 27th [after earnings are announced].”

But I only have several hundred shares in the plan, and besides, I’m not selling or buying, I just want the certificate.

“Sir, we’re talking about the fractional share. You have xxx and ½ shares. We can give you a certificate for the xxx, but we have to sell the one-half. Since you can’t trade it, you’ll have to call us back.”

We’re not talking about Berkshire Hathaway or even Google here. One-half share is only about eighteen bucks, so even if I did have insiders’ information, and knew how the market would react to it, I would be enriched by at most a double-latte. I made a note in my calendar. Darned if I was going to let the bank have the satisfaction of keeping my 18 bucks.