Wednesday, February 21, 2007

"Copernicus' First Theory of Jiffy Pop Dissipation"

From the 2/13/07 Tonight Show, Dennis Miller on global warming:

Jay Leno: So what do you think of global warming? I probably know the answer, but go ahead…

Dennis Miller: Well, listen Jay, I, uh, you know, you hate to say this now because everybody gets P.O.’ed but it appears that the problem is over the last century the temperature of the planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. You know, maybe, maybe not. Excuse me for not trusting temperature figures from the year 1906. They’re still [beep]ing outside in the woods but I’m supposed to believe they had a stranglehold on the Fahrenheit at the Earth’s magma. I’m sure that was an accurate reading, huh? “Ezekiel! Put the candle wick down the possum hole! Let’s lay down a base line for future generations, then we’ll churn some butter and invent flight next year!”

I know it’s going up a little—the temperature—I’m just not sure humans are responsible. For God’s sake, we can’t thin traffic after Dodger games, and you know something, if it is going up a little, I don’t know, it’s cold back East now—anybody happy about that? A few weeks ago I’m looking at the news, guys golfing in Jersey, everybody looked happy, now it’s freezing again. Kind of glad it went up. I’m always a little chilly anyway. And you know something, the money I’m saving on sweaters I’m putting into a cookie jar to buy a thirty-ought-six so I can blow a caribou’s head off so we can drill in Alaska. [circular motion with arms] It’s the circle of life, Simba.

Jay: Certainly politically correct. There’s speculation that Gore is going to announce at the Academy Awards that he will run for President. What do you think?

Dennis: You know, I wish that global warming had a different front man, because the simple fact is over the years I find Al Gore inauthentic. I remember when he ran for President I’ve never seen a guy that uncomfortable in his own skin. There are amnesiacs with a better sense of self than Al Gore. If he wasn’t fronting the cause, I might believe in it more but the simple fact is I have trouble accepting escalating temperature figures from a guy I have already deemed to be a sweat act.

Jay: So you are not concerned about global warming?

Dennis: Yeah, a little bit, Jay, I’m hedging my bets for my next generation. My son wants a hybrid. I’m going to buy one. You’re the car guy. Are hybrids safe? I would like to know that.

Jay: Sure, sure.

Dennis: They have air bags and the whole deal?

Jay: They’re fine.

Dennis: When the air bags go off, doesn’t that cause global warming? I just want to make sure it’s safe for my own flesh and blood. You know I’m playing way down the road for the year 2286 when my great-great-great-great-to-the-10th-power grandson, Calypso 7, doesn’t have sweat on his upper lip while my own kid is driving around a Fisher Price toy. I just want to be sure that they’re sound, that I can buy one.

I just think that global warming, I’ll be honest with you, I think this stuff’s been around for a long time. You know, when I was a kid—I’m 53 now—when I was a kid, it was hot. I remember. Anybody remember heat? That sun was bright, too. And I was even a little further away from it then. I got vicious sunburns. If I had to look at the sun, I began to melt like a Nazi staring at the Ark of the Covenant. I remember when I went to my first summer camp, Camp Deeply-Embedded Tick, and it was brutal out there.

Listen, I just think that we sometimes over-think the environment. Now we supposedly have a hole in the ozone, for God’s sake. Now which is it, you can’t have global warming and a hole in the ozone, because heated air will rise. If there is a hole there, it will go out. I think that’s, isn’t that Copernicus’ First Theory of Jiffy Pop Dissipation, or am I mistaken Jay?

Jay: I’m not familiar with the Jiffy Pop….[looks at audience] how many remember Jiffy Pop? [audience cheers]

Dennis: As much fun as it is to make as it is to take a commercial break.

Jay: We’ll take a break.

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