I, JFK

An early draft of John F. Kerry's acceptance speech is shown below. It has undoubtedly undergone some revision since we obtained it:

My fellow Europeans, oenophiles, media mavens, disaffected artists, ambulance chasers, pomo academics, vegan naturalists, and United Nations diplomats, I am privileged....to be your candidate for the office of President of the United States. As I peer over you today, I think about our shared experiences—my prep school education at a private New England boarding school, the bright college years at Yale, our common love for and service in the armed forces, summering in the Hamptons—and pledge to you that I will never forget or let you forget where I came from.

Today our country faces danger from a culture that opposes everything we hold dear, a culture that loathes our music, our art, the way our women speak and behave, our very way of life. Ladies and gentlemen, we must stop the Texanization of America before it is too late! French cuisine has given way to barbecue, line-dancing has supplanted ballet, hockey is dying while NASCAR is thriving---need I say more?

Today we are faced with a choice, a choice between a man who speaks French, the language of diplomacy, and a man who speaks Spanish, the language of bullfighting. I pledge to you that when I take office, we will stop the “bull” and there will be no more “fighting”! Instead we will express our displeasure the French way, by forming pained expressions, sighing, and casting meaningful glances at those who oppose us. We will resolve conflicts by answering these questions: what do I have to overlook and how much will it cost for you to agree with me?

Some may feel that my personal fortune is undeserved. Well, I did it according to a time-honored tradition---I married it! And my dear wife Teresa, she inherited her wealth from her husband, may the goddess rest his soul. And that is why, after much personal reflection, I favor full marriage rights for our gay citizens! [pause for applause] Never again will others be forced to do what I did and take this long, convoluted path to getting his hands on a family fortune. If gay marriage had been permitted in the sixties, I could have married John Heinz myself!

And, to my friends in the other party, I ask for your vote, too. True, we have many areas of disagreement, but we are united in one fundamental way: we never, ever, want to have a Clinton in the White House again! If I am elected, the junior Senator from New York will not be able to run for President until 2012, when she will not only be older and grayer, but her husband will have eight more years to embarrass her with his escapades. So let us put aside our differences and unite behind this great common purpose.

Over 50 years ago Harry Truman declared that he will never pass the buck, and I pledge to you that I, like President Clinton, will never pass up a buck either. Thank you, and may God--but only if you believe in that man-made construct—bless the United States of America. © 2004 Stephen Yuen