Defeating Envy

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The traditional view of envy--or any of the other deadly sins--is to suppress or control it so that it doesn't consume our lives.

The new approach: there are good and bad forms of envy, and "good envy" may spur us to improve ourselves.

Malicious envy arrives with anger, frustration and a sense of wanting to take an advantage away from another person, says Jan Crusius, psychologist and professor of motivation and emotion at University of Greifswald in Germany.

Benign envy, on the other hand, is when you wish you were in someone else’s position but don’t feel compelled to tear them down. That envy can spark self-reflection and the motivation to set new goals.

Analysis of one's own feelings is a basic psychological technique that applies to a wide range of situations, including internal battles with envy.

“When you say, ‘I’m so jealous of your boat,’ you might mean, ‘I’m so envious of your money, your freedom, or your success,’” said author and podcast host Elise Loehnen, whose new book explores why women often repress feelings like pride and envy.

Ask yourself how you’d feel if your name was attached to the thing you envy. Consider the critiques as well as the praise that might come with it. That alone may quell your envy; if it doesn’t, and the idea is still appealing, use that answer to guide your pursuits. If it doesn’t hold allure, you might be envying an idea, rather than reality.

Your humble blogger has never been able to use negative emotions successfully. I'll-show-them drives comic-book villains. In real life it may lead to short-lived achievement, but satisfaction is very rarely the result.

The cure for envy is a long life; many of the aspects that we envied in others, e.g., wealth and social recognition, become much less important with the passage of time. Also, it turned out that some of our heroes had feet of clay, while others had struggles that made their days the opposite of halcyonic.

Victory over envy results when one truly rejoices in the good fortunes of others.

Turn it Off, Tune it Out, Drop in in Real Life*

*historical reference to "turn on, tune in, drop out"

Improved communications and social media have a downside: resentment. First, the definition:

Resentment is a feeling of indignation in reaction to a real or perceived slight, a sense of insult or inadequacy caused by the actions, comments or simple existence of someone or something else. It’s the feeling that you’re not getting your fair share, while someone else is getting more than theirs.

How resentment is triggered by modern technology: [bold added]

social media’s prime group of users....use the platforms to present a curated life that quite often shows only the most flattering bits, with the purpose of conveying, or implying, status and standing. You’re quite literally meant to resent their success, or their beauty, or their luck.

(Image from azquotes)

There are numerous other contributors to resentment, such as our (lack of) wealth versus those in our peer group, the career success of our immediate relations, not to mention ourselves, health, physical attractiveness, the list goes on.

The writer, psychologist Peggy Drexler, has two recommendations:

the fix for resentment lies entirely within yourself. It consists of learning to push resentment down—remembering that happiness is found in what you have and not what you don’t.

we can control what we allow ourselves to see. If you find that Facebook or Instagram is making you upset, give yourself a break.

We've said it before, it's impossible to be angry or resentful for long if one cultivates an Attitude of Gratitude.