Joy Behar Barely Expurgated

Your humble observer has been watching Jay Leno's final weeks as host of the Tonight Show. His guests, whether A-list or lesser-known celebrities, are people Jay likes, not necessarily those with a high Q score. Some interviews have been unexpectedly interesting or amusing, like this evening's session with Joy Behar who was a comedienne before she hosted the View. Two observations: 1) Joy Behar is hilarious; 2) the networks still censor George Carlin's seven dirty words, but just about any other speech is allowed. Excerpts:

Joy Behar: I was on one of the last planes to get out [from NYC to LA]. I heard that they had 13 inches in Greenwich. Those WASPS haven't seen 13 inches in how long?

Jay Leno: You look good, you've lost some weight.

JB: I've been working out. I get on the treadmill...is it normal to trip on your tits on the treadmill?

JL: Not for either of us [referring to Jay Leno and Charlie Sheen]. No, it's not.

JB: I would not get plastic surgery. I don't believe in plastic surgery. A dermatologist said to me, Joy, don't get plastic surgery because a smile is a natural facelift. I said, I wish my ass had a sense of humor.

More Joy, on Chris Christie, retirement, elder sex, Viagra. "Like putting a flagpole on a condemned building"---an image that can't be unimagined.

Late-Night LOL

It’s hard to imagine how NBC could have bungled its late-night lineup any worse.

The network painted itself into a corner when it swapped out Jay Leno for Conan O’Brien as The Tonight Show host last year.

Now, the peacocks have come home to roost at NBC following Leno’s disastrous 10 p.m. show. The network plans to put Leno back in his old 11:35 p.m. slot, shift O’Brien back to 12:05 a.m. and, well, few folks are paying attention to how it all affects Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, apparently.

Actually, for this erstwhile (I regularly watched Johnny Carson) viewer, it’s been comedy gold. Jay Leno and Conan O’ Brien have never been funnier this week, lamenting their uncertain futures and mocking the suits at NBC.

While Conan takes a few shots at Jay in each show, those have been mild compared to David Letterman’s nightly pox-on-all-their-houses monologue on CBS' The Late Show. Letterman plays off his resentment at Leno’s inheritance of Carson’s mantle, but that occurred in 1992, and no human being could have stayed mad for 18 years and been successful, much less remained upright.

It’s all material to these professionals, and they’re mining it for all it’s worth. Here are Conan’s list of changes that NBC executives are making to improve the Winter Olympics (in a bow to Letterman’s Top-Ten routine, except the items aren’t numbered).

Move the Winter Olympics to summer, but still call them The Winter Olympics.

Replace the Olympic theme with Subway’s “5 Dollar Footlong” song.

Have all event judging done by Paul Abdul, David Hasselhoff and for some reason, Flavor Flav.

Attempt to boost ratings with new event featuring obese people on sleds called “The Biggest Luger.”

Replace the flags on the giant slalom course with breached NBC contracts.

Reserve the right to cancel ski jumps mid-jump.

Move the Bronze up to Gold’s place, Silver stays where it is, and add a new medal for fourth place called the “NBC.”

I've set the DVR to record these shows for viewing at a more civilized hour. The comedic kerfuffle will only last a few weeks, and, as one of them said, these shows might be collector's items.

The Technician Will See You Now

Jay Leno may have put his finger on how the government plans to reduce health care costs.

The government issued a statement this week saying that most people aren’t complaining about the full body scans. The government always says that. Every time there’s another intrusion into our privacy, they always say “Most people aren’t complaining.” Of course most people aren’t complaining. Do you know what happens when you complain to airport security? You get a colonoscopy and wind up on the terrorist watch list!

Free colonoscopies (prostate exams in the Senate version) and full-body scans whenever we fly. That's how we bend the cost curves down.