Editor -- We, the Fruitcake Lovers of Northern California, wish to formally protest the sad mistreatment of fruitcake in the media. Fruitcake is repeatedly insulted -- even to its face (don't those raisins look like eyes?). Malicious lies are spread about how there is only one fruitcake in the world, which is passed from one unlucky dupe to another. We have formed our alliance to speak for the fruitcake.
Not all fruitcakes are created equal. There are, I am sad to say, mass food conglomerates (dare we name Safeway as the greatest villain in the history of fruitcake? We dare!) selling gross misinterpretations of this great holiday treat. Did the ancient Phoenicians eat bright green cubes of mysterious citrus? Or pieces of petrified maraschino cherries that taste like earwax? No! They ate figs and apricots and raisins.
My friends: Do not fear the raisin!
We call upon you, oh master of the media -- join us! Let the people know: It's time to give fruitcake another chance. Remember, Europeans love fruitcake, even though they are from the old country. Even the folks from that other strange country, the East Coast, have more love and respect for holiday fruitcake than we, the supposedly smarter and better looking, residents of California.
Remember, fruitcake is our friend.
----JUSTIN McCARTER, President, Fruitcake Lovers of Northern California
I'm puzzling over the repeated reference to raisins (Jungian archetype? crypto-Fascist construct?)---if I were better educated I might get it.
Below is the fruitcake that has been sitting in our refrigerator purchased in 1998. The fruitcake obviously pre-dates the appliance, but its origins are lost in the mysts of time.
No comments:
Post a Comment