Even the Jokes are Testing the Lows

Finding nothing in the economic and stock market outlook to be cheery about, Barron's lead writer Alan Abelson decides to end this week's column (behind the pay wall) with a list of puns. Caution: these are suitable only for groan men and women.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Practice safe eating--always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding--a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away).
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A lot of money is tainted--taint yours and taint mine.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.