Regret: Making it Work for Us

(Illustration by Michael Glenwood/WSJ)

Now that I'm in the autumn of my life--and that's based on an optimistic timeline--the memories and regrets are mounting like the sand in an hourglass. There are people who I can never see again and choices that can never be unmade.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood," said the poet, "yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back." Few of us can go back, and fewer do.

The old wisdom was not to dwell on past failures. Do better next time, and push regrets to the side of the road. Sad memories are negative; they keep us from moving forward.

The new wisdom: human beings are "hard-wired" to feel regret. Because regret is unavoidable, we may as well accept it and have it work for us.

Regret is not dangerous or abnormal. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human. Equally important, regret is valuable. It clarifies. It instructs. Done right, it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.

So how can we control regrets so that they don't overwhelm us, yet ponder them regularly to improve ourselves?

One ancient remedy that seems to work: going to church. In the Eucharist there is "quiet time" to reflect on sins, ask forgiveness, and think about how to make things right. Just by paying attention to the words in the General Confession, we confront our past missteps:

Have mercy upon us, most merciful Father; in your compassion forgive us our sins, known and unknown, things done and undone; and so uphold us by your Spirit that we may live and serve you in newness of life, to the honor and glory of your Name; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Simple, and in this humble blogger's case, sometimes effective.