Time to Face the Music

"Walking into the Light", Singh (fineartamerica)

You can't change your mind on a subject if you haven't thought much about it in the first place. Yes, I haven't contemplated my own death (and this from someone who's collecting Social Security).

Not planning for one's demise--we're not just talking about writing a will---is a big mistake; author Katy Butler says that a good death involves much preparation. First, people should specify what a "good" death means for themselves. For her:

My wish is to die in my own bed, cared for by people I love—clean, comfortable and relatively free from pain. I hope to have time to say my goodbyes and give my final blessings.

For many others:

In the Kaiser study, most people cared much more about not having their families financially burdened by their care or distressed by tough medical decisions; having their medical preferences honored; and dying in peace spiritually, with their loved ones around them. Living as long as possible was at the very bottom of most people’s lists.

Obtaining a good death can be treated as a project, like remodeling one's kitchen. It may be off-putting but it helps to concretize the task: set your goals, lay out the milestones, think about alternative strategies (for dementia, Parkinson's, cancer, etc.), and figure out how to finance each one.

Other advice:

Find your tribe and arrange caregivers. ....You do need one fiercely committed person to act as a central tentpole and as many part-timers as you can marshal. People who die comfortable, well-supported deaths at home tend to have one of three things going for them: money, a good government program or a rich social network of neighbors or friends...

Take command of the space. No matter where death occurs, you can bring calm and meaning to the room. Don’t be afraid to rearrange the physical environment. Weddings have been held in ICUs so that a dying mother could witness the ceremony, and dogs have been smuggled onto hospital floors...

Think of death as a rite of passage. In the days before effective medicine, our ancestors were guided by books and customs that framed dying as a spiritual ordeal rather than a medical event...A spiritually mature individual was expected to contemplate it ahead of time. Without abandoning the best of what modern medicine has to offer, return to that spirit. Don’t reduce the end of your life to a medical procedure or strip it of ceremony and humanity. Make sure you live and die as a full human being.

John Lennon sang, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." But if we don't plan for it, we won't get the end of life that we want.