Life Planning

This advice-column topic applies directly to me (and a half-dozen families who I know):

When Siblings Can’t Agree on What to Do With an Elderly Parent

My siblings and I are at odds over how to care for our mother, who is widowed and not in the best of health. She wants to continue living at home, but two of us think she needs to move to an assisted-living community. (A setting that seems problematic at best, given the coronavirus.) And if she moves, there’s no agreement about whether she should stay in the same area or move close to one of us. Any ideas about how to tackle this?

Mom's current facility can't provide the services she needs, so we're discussing where to move her.

Adult siblings who rarely talk about heavy topics suddenly have to discuss the mind-boggling expense of elder care, their own money, their parents' money (and usually not discussed but very important, what each hopes to inherit), mortality, individual time commitments, the degree to which they can honor an elder's wishes, (also not revealed but very important, how much love they really have for their parent), and the general topic of "fairness," which rarely ends well.

One new insight: an "elder mediator" can help.

Such individuals help families work through concerns—and fights—involving caregiving, inheritance, living arrangements, estate planning and related issues...

A few basics: A mediator doesn’t solve problems; rather, she or he paves the way for family members to solve problems together. (Think: facilitate.) The process might begin with a mediator talking with family members individually, or it can move straight to group discussion. A good mediator also can enlist, or point you toward, other professionals—say, a geriatric-care manager...

Mediation, by all accounts, is hard work. Family members today often are scattered across the country; siblings frequently are pigeonholed in decades-old roles (the smart one, the pretty one, the malcontent); agreements normally aren’t binding; and happy endings aren’t guaranteed.

Another thing that can lessen animosity: the realization that the current battle re Mom and/or Dad will likely last for only a few more years, whereas your brothers and sisters will be around for the rest of your life.

You may not care now, but you may later.