Home Alone: the New Normal for Seniors

(Photo from futurity.org)

Being home alone is the new normal for millions of senior Americans:

More than 16 million people aged 65 and older in the U.S. live alone. That represents 28% of that age group, almost triple the share in 1950. Among the reasons: increased longevity, higher divorce rates among older adults and children more scattered than previous generations.

“It’s very likely most of us will live alone in old age,” says Elena Portacolone, professor at the Institute for Health & Aging at the University of California, San Francisco. Older adults with more financial resources have more care options, but even those with resources may find themselves hunting for in-home help.

Most people are unprepared to age alone. Only one-fourth of those living alone have someone who helps or would help with cooking, cleaning and getting groceries, and more than 80% haven’t planned for ongoing living assistance, according to an AARP 2023 report. At least one-fourth of older adults with dementia live alone.

Some crises take us by surprise. The growing alone-ness that has overtaken seniors is not one of these; it has been looming for years. Money can solve some of the problems, but it can't reverse the consequences of not having more children decades ago, or moving away from hometowns where siblings, cousins, and high school friends reside, or walking away from long-time marriages.

Although everyone can point to some things they are grateful for, too often they say that if they had to do it all over again, they would not change a thing. It's sad when people lie to others and even sadder when they lie to themselves.

Diane Robertson

Diane Robertson and her signature roast pork,
with Jerry Brooks of Hope Lutheran, San Mateo

My friend Diane Robertson passed away on Thursday after a short illness.

I was the coordinator for the church outreach program, and for 20 years Diane cheerfully gave her money and time to the dozen or so activities we supported. She manned the church's booth for the Foster City summer fair, made sandwiches for Sandwiches on Sunday, and bought Christmas presents for immigrant families.

She was one of the stalwarts for Home and Hope, a consortium of Peninsula churches and synagogues that provided emergency housing at their facilities. Diane liked to roast a pork shoulder or ham for the Home and Hope families, and I always went back for seconds of her dish.

She was a retired stewardess (don't call me a flight attendant, she said) for United Airlines, and she was fond of recounting the glory of air travel as it used to be.

Though we grew up thousands of miles apart---me in Hawaii and she in Canada--we found common ground in our humble origins and marveled how good our lives had turned out to be. We also shared a deep gratitude that prompted us to give something back.

Goodbye, my friend, till we meet again.

A Friend Indeed

(Washington Post illustration)

Malcolm Gladwell's 2008 book, Outliers, popularized the 10,000 hour rule ("you need to have practiced, to have apprenticed, for 10,000 hours before you get good.") How much time do we need to build close friendships? The answer: 200 hours.

We need between 40 and 60 hours together for an acquaintance to become a casual friend, according to a study by Jeffrey Hall, professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, who surveyed adults who moved to a new location as well as college freshmen in their first two months of school.

In order to move from casual friends to close friends, you need to spend an additional 140 to 160 hours together for a total of about 200 hours, the study found.

However, deeper interactions can accelerate that timeline. You can form a close bond in less than 200 hours, Hall says, with meaningful conversations and a willingness to be vulnerable.

Conversely, spending 200 hours together doesn’t necessarily mean a person will become a close friend. They have to want to be your friend. Some co-workers can spend 300 hours together and never become close friends.

200 hours may not seem like much, but it is the equivalent of five work-weeks.

I've let friendships founder, but when I've exhibited genuine need, friends--some unexpectedly--have come running to my side. At such times 200 hours seems like a small price to pay.

Loud Budgeting

I missed this new term in personal finance: loud budgeting.

Lukas Battle (Instagram)

Loud budgeting began as a joke, said Lukas Battle, the 26-year-old comedian who coined the term in a December TikTok video after a night of overspending.

When Battle’s friends then messaged him asking to go out to an expensive Italian restaurant in Manhattan’s East Village neighborhood, he proposed they all cook dinner at someone’s house and have a game night instead. It was a riff on “quiet luxury,” the trend of favoring well-made, expensive, but understated fashions.

Battle’s video took off, generating over one million views and more than a thousand comments. Hundreds of people have shared their own examples of how loud budgeting helped them save money.

“People want a break or some sort of relief from this constant need to be spending and buying,” said Battle, who lives in New York.

Loud budgeting has helped some combat the peer pressure to spend.

Madeleine Burke (WSJ)

Madeleine Burke, 26, said her best friend visits the nail salon every two weeks for a manicure and pedicure. The last time Burke went with her, she paid $45 for a pedicure and instantly regretted the decision.

“I cannot believe I paid for that and I could’ve done it at home,” said Burke, who lives in New Orleans. The next time she was asked, she felt more comfortable declining. She credits loud budgeting with helping change how she approaches spending.

Burke said her friends now host more potlucks at each other’s homes and go secondhand shopping together.

Your humble blogger admits that during his career he yielded to social pressure by going on expensive outings that he didn't want and couldn't afford--or, to be more accurate, could pay for if he defunded activities that had a higher priority (e.g., retirement savings, replacing a 15-year-old car).

If proclaiming publicly that you don't have the dough gets your non-wealthy status out in the open, that's a welcome improvement over "my spouse and I have other plans" or "we can't find a babysitter." Any friends you may lose aren't really your long-term friends anyway.

Truth and Consequences

Today the priest spoke about Matthew 16, one of the more challenging Gospel readings. Jesus tells the disciples of His fate: "great suffering at the hands of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised."

Peter tries to deny the prophesy---as any of us would to a friend or relative who predicts catastrophe for themselves--but Jesus adamantly rejects Peter's good intentions: "“Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me."

When we believe a truth and state it forcefully, it can rupture relationships and jeopardize our comfortable lives and jobs. Speaking the truth will set us free and likely allow us to live our best life in the long run, but it is not easy to do.

Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and undergo great suffering at the hands of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This must never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.”

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life? Or what will they give in return for their life? -----Matthew 16:21-28

Relationships are More Important Than We Realize

(WSJ photo)

Demographic studies have shown that lonely people are less healthy. There is a scientific explanation:

Human beings have evolved to be social, and the biological processes that encourage social behavior are there to protect us. When we feel isolated, our bodies and brains react in ways that are designed to help us survive that isolation.

Fifty thousand years ago, being alone was dangerous, and an isolated person’s body and brain would have gone into temporary survival mode. The need to recognize threats would have fallen on her alone, so her stress hormones would have increased and made her more alert. If her family or tribe were away overnight and she had to sleep by herself, her sleep would be shallower. If a predator was approaching, she would want to know, so she would be more easily aroused and experience more awakenings during the night.

If for some reason she found herself alone for say, a month, rather than a night, these physical processes would continue, morphing into a droning, constant sense of unease, and they would begin to take a toll on her mental and physical health. She would be, as we say today, stressed out. She would be lonely.

The same effects of loneliness continue today. The feeling of loneliness is a kind of alarm ringing inside the body. At first, its signals may help us; we need them to alert us to a problem. But imagine living in your house with a fire alarm going off all day, every day, and you start to get a sense of what chronic loneliness is doing behind the scenes to our minds and bodies.

The physiological consequences of loneliness are observable:

loneliness is associated with greater sensitivity to pain, suppression of the immune system, diminished brain function and less effective sleep. Recent research has shown that for older people, loneliness is twice as unhealthy as obesity, and chronic loneliness increases a person’s odds of death in any given year by 26%.

The pursuit of worldly goals, such as wealth and social status, or even personal goals such as diet, exercise, and weight loss, may bring some satisfaction, but they are less important to longevity than real, long-lasting personal relationships.

It's Not Too Late

(Wikihow illustration)

Retirement is a time for reflection... and regrets. Chief among them is the failure to stay in touch with friends from long ago. The most stark examples are the friends who have passed away, where obviously no renewal of a relationship is possible.

The fears that hold us back from reconnecting are largely in our imagination. [bold added]

People also exaggerate the risks of reaching out to old friends, including awkwardness and rejection, and underestimate the pleasures, according to research by Nicholas Epley, director of the Center for Decision Research at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business.

“Failure to recognize how interested others are in engaging with us keeps us overly avoidant in ways that harm our well-being,” he said.

"Make a new friend" is a goal that's too vague and more difficult to achieve.

"Connect with an old friend" is more concrete and likely to bring you happiness.

Patty's Floral Designs

The florist in her workshop

In my recent trip to Honolulu I had a late request from California HQ to get some flowers for a friend's birthday. The arrangement should be tropical and not Mainland (roses, carnations) themed. I called Patty, whom I had never met but who had delivered flowers for us over the years.

Context: it was Saturday afternoon, and the flowers had to be delivered Sunday when her store and messenger services were closed.

She said that she could put something together but that I had to pick up the flowers at closing and deliver them the next day. No problem, but after peppering her with questions about overnight storage, I sensed that she didn't quite trust this brown-thumbed delivery person with her pulchritudinous product.

And so it was that I showed up at her store just before noon on Sunday, when Patty was working on weddings in the back room. The delivery went smoothly.

California HQ complained about Patty's cost (over $100) and said that I should have checked out other florists on Saturday.

The complaints stopped when the recipient called to express her happiness over not only the gift but also the manager's effectiveness in getting an employee to work on his Hawaiian vacation. It looks like I get to keep my job.

My Friend Bill

We lost my friend Bill last week. The immediate reason for his death was a fall at home, but the real cause was the cancer that had weakened him.

In the old days I suppose that I wouldn't have called him a true "friend"; I hadn't even met his wife in person or been to his house or he to mine.

Over the years we had a number of meetings and business lunches with other people, trying to get something going. Since the start of the COVID lockdown we had talked on Skype two or three times a month, trying to see if there was any business we could do together. The cupboard was bare, since his expertise lay in a business that was highly dependent on the coronavirus-devastated travel and leisure industry.

Once we had exhausted the usual discussion of potential prospects our conversation turned to each other's health, travel plans to Hawaii (me Honolulu, him Maui), and our love of old cars. He always ended with his cheery "I'll make some more calls and get back to you."

I have other endeavors, business and otherwise, that require more time and attention, and I told myself that our scheduled conversations were for his benefit, to keep his spirits up. Only now I realize that they were for me as well.

Goodbye, my friend. RIP.

Teach Your Children

The Mitchells and Gates families, left and right (!), respectively (WSJ photo)

Finally..a rare election story that makes one hopeful about the future:

The Mitchells, lifelong Democrats, planted a Joe Biden sign in the front yard of their suburban Pittsburgh home. The Gateses, who live next door and are lifelong Republicans, put a Donald Trump sign in theirs.

Another homemade sign stands in each yard. It reads: “We (Heart) Them” with an arrow pointing to the other house. In the middle of each heart are the words “One Nation.”

The Mitchells and Gates

don’t argue. They don’t label each other. They listen to each other’s perspective, look for common ground and recognize that reasonable and good people can reach different conclusions.

“I think it boils down to respect,” says Chris [Mitchell]. “We have no desire or illusion that we are going to change them or each other’s minds.”

They also rarely bring up issues that are more divisive than others, like abortion.

The vast majority of Americans have to work with--and maybe live with---people who hold different political views. Both you and the person you're talking to have an infinitesimal effect on an election, so the heat of the argument is fueled by pride and about who has the superior morality.

Is it worth losing a friendship or having a loved one never speak to you again just to insist that you are right?

There's a lot of wisdom in the old advice to bite your tongue, never discuss politics or religion, and count to ten before responding in anger, especially if the fight is over something that neither of you can control.

Pax vobiscum.

Correct Without a T

Always seeking to improve my vocabulary, I subscribe to Word Genius, whose lesson today was about an adjective others employ to describe your humble blogger.

Doughty --now that's a word I used to encounter often in the tales of King Arthur and Robin Hood.

Wait a minute, my mistake. Drop the T. My friends call me doughy...at least I thought they were friends.

The Science is Settled: Settle In

(Image from Slideshare)

Sleep is important to health, job performance, brain function, and social relationships.

Lack of sleep can hurt relationships in three ways: [bold added]

Your emotions are thrown out of whack...When we’re deprived of sleep, we’re more likely to overreact to situations that normally wouldn’t rattle us...."Small problems seem bigger. Our reactions are amplified. Some studies show that people are more likely to feel sad, depressed, or anxious if they don’t sleep well or if they are sleep-deprived.”

A lack of sleep can make you sick and tired...After all, if you’re home sick, your interest in spending time with anyone or anything besides your bed can plummet.

Different sleep schedules can cause relationship problems. If you’re in a relationship and work odd-hour shifts, making plans to see the people who matter to you can be a challenge.

So guys, the next time your significant other chastises you for snoozing on the couch, tell her you're doing it for the sake of improving your relationship. You can't argue with science.

When Not to Keep Score

Splitting the check (Hypepotemus image)

Time cites a study that shows that pettiness--"being intentionally attentive to trivial details"--makes a person less likable. (You don't need a study to tell you that!)

The useful finding is that if petty behavior objectively benefits another person, that person doesn't appreciate the benefit.

In one [experiment] a person paid back acquaintances in round amounts ($10, $35 and $20), while another person paid $9.99, $34.95 and $20.06. When asked which person they’d rather be friends with, the vast majority of study participants picked the person who paid round amounts. This suggests that being petty — in this case, by accounting for every last cent — is considered a negative quality, the authors say.

I don't think pettiness is the right word for the behavior that people find objectionable. Obsessive exactitude is a positive attribute if one is a brain surgeon, auditor, construction engineer, or rocket scientist.

But in the realm of friendship we don't like people who keep score; what is the precise repayment for someone helping you move, watching your dog, visiting you in the hospital, or throwing you a birthday party? There's an old joke--and truth--about an accountant being someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. However, if that accountant can turn off his calculator and close his ledger after hours, he can be a good friend, too.

Puakenikeni

The puakenikeni is a fast-growing tree that produces fragrant white flowers popular in leis. It's seen in many Island neighborhoods.

My friend picked puakenikeni flowers from his backyard and left them for us at the front desk in two gold containers. Over the remainder of our trip we watched the flowers turn from white to yellow to orange. The best presents are the unexpected ones.

Independence Day, 2018

Eclectic people meet eclectic food.

We headed over to Duane and Sandy's house in Hayward. They've been hosting 4th of July parties--really an open house where you can come and go as you please without anyone knowing you even showed up---for the 40 years we've known them.

We talked to the hosts and a few friends who had retired and fled to Reno.

Leo Ryan Park, Foster City

California is looking less appealing with 9.3%-13.3% income tax rates plus threats to revive the California tax on estates above $5.45 million (not that we necessarily have that problem, but why take chances?).

Also, there's a lot of meanness, anger, and self-righteousness, as well as smoke, in the air these days, and President Trump isn't helping either. On this Independence Day, it's time to seriously look at Goodbye, California.

Oh, yes, Happy 4th!

Wandering About

After I took her to Sutter Emergency in March, I urged my friend to get a colonoscopy to ascertain the source of her abdominal pain. If she did schedule one (the procedure requires sedation, hence separate transportation), I offered to drive the 2½ hours to Placer County to take her.

As the saying goes, "Don’t let your mouth write a check your a** can’t cash.” Her appointment was at 7 a.m. today, so I drove in last night.

I had a half a day to kill, so it was an opportunity to walk around downtown Lincoln. I wandered into the Lincoln Museum, which displayed items from the mid-19th to the mid-20th century.

Kids like playing on these typewriters.
Unfortunately few know how to fix them.

A fact that you didn't know and didn't care about: Lincoln was named after railroad businessman Charles Wilson Lincoln. (That's no surprise if you knew the town was founded in 1859, before the 16th President took office.) Like other towns in California, Lincoln's economy was based on farming after the Gold Rush. Coal- and clay mining followed. All were helped by the Central Pacific Railroad, which ran through Roseville 15 miles away.

I talked with the volunteer docents, who were proud of their town's history. Seeing an Asian face, they brought up the subject of the Japanese-American internment camps. They mentioned how many of the families could return to their farms after the War because the neighbors had kept up the properties and paid the taxes. If that was even partly true, then Lincoln residents had behaved better than most.

Livestock scale.

The museum was quite small--two large rooms and a gift shop. The displays were neatly arranged, but surely there was more stuff in a warehouse. No, we don't have a warehouse, one of our supporters lets us use his garage.

It hadn't occurred to me previously, but I'll add Lincoln to the list of places to retire.

Kim Walters (1951-2018)

My friend Kim Walters discovered in his later years that Buddhist teaching resonated powerfully, and so it was that the memorial service for the Tennessee native, who died of cancer at the age of 66, was held Friday at the Palo Alto Buddhist Temple. (A brief obituary is here.)

I had lost touch with Kim after we worked as junior staffers in a public company in the 1980's but saw him recently over the past five years when I helped him with his consulting practice. Alas, he couldn't finish a software product that could have sparked explosive growth.

A man is known by his loves--Kim loved his wife and two grown children, of course, as well as working on his company. He enjoyed riding famous roller coasters, tasting expensive whiskeys, and taking long car trips. His eyes would light up when he bought the latest device made by Apple, and he was always rescuing dogs from the shelter. Tennessee football was a special case (he graduated from UT), and he would spend hours discussing the high school seniors who had committed to Volunteer football.

I'll miss the hundreds of stories he would tell in his Southern drawl, the invitations to "supper", the how you doin' that started every conversation, and the kitschy birthday e-cards. These days, 66 is far too soon. R.I.P.

Counselor, Heed Thyself

A friend with whom I have some business dealings gave me the bad news; he halted chemotherapy because the treatments haven't worked. No, the doctors haven't yet given a prognosis.

He wanted to talk about business. Okay.

He will call the lawyer. He'll forward the data to the tax accountant, after which I'll handle discussions. For computer issues he will talk to the IT guy. My friend was filling his calendar with detail.

After he was done talking, I assured him that I'll take care of any administrative matters that he's unable to finish.

Then I said, please think about saying things that you've always meant to say to your children and grandchildren. That's what's important. The legal and accounting stuff I can handle.

He got emotional, and we hung up a few seconds later.

Another way to show your love

I don't regret giving him advice, but I do feel guilty because I have done little to prepare for my own demise. Financial affairs are in minimally adequate shape---there's a will, a trust, and named beneficiaries where needed---but there's nothing about who I was, what I've learned, my dreams and regrets, or my hopes for those who will come after me. If they never met me, they won't know me at all.

Now that I'm mostly retired I have time to work on completing these important but (so far) not urgent tasks. As my friend showed, they may be more urgent than I think.

Note: the NIH's National Cancer Institute (cancer.gov) has published an informative booklet for friends and family: When Someone You Love Has Advanced Cancer.

The Need Appeared Genuine

The ER waiting area on a Saturday night

A friend of ours is on a tight budget. And she's possibly hypochondriacal---though having witnessed supposedly mild diseases and injuries cascade catastrophically in the aged, I'm beginning to feel that way, too.

She said that she had a pain in her abdomen--on her left side, so it wasn't appendicitis--and needed to go to the Sutter Hospital emergency room.

From Safeway in Sacto: Dinner
and snacks for the trip back

No, an ambulance was too expensive, and she had trouble activating Lyft, which her Medicare Advantage plan said they would pay for if she could only figure out how to use it. Her siblings lived outside California, and, having moved a year ago, she had no friends nearby.

I packed an overnight bag. Our friend lived near Sacramento, 2½ hours away. True, I'm easily manipulated, but the need appeared genuine.

Arriving, I asked how she was feeling. The pain wasn't crippling.

She walked me through the instructions on how to take care of her dog and small animals in case the doctors wanted to keep her overnight. She kept using the phrase "if I should die", which seemed overwrought since she was moving about her house with twice as much energy as I. All the same, the prospect of tending to her pets long-term added fervor to my appeals to the Healer in the Sky.

At Sutter Hospital my friend 1) waited an hour, 2) gave blood and urine samples, 3) waited another hour, 4) had her abdomen scanned, 5) waited some more, and 6) was released after a final interview . The diagnosis was dehydration and constipation. All told, she was very lucky. The entire process took five hours, and the doctors didn't find anything that merited hospitalization.

She disagreed with the diagnosis. She assured me that she wasn't constipated. You should see a gastroenterologist, and you should get a colonoscopy. (She had had a bad experience with one years ago and had never been back.) Okay, but the procedure is much easier nowadays. Please think about it.

I am not eager to repeat this experience, but if she does have a colonoscopy I'll drive up to take her.

Beer and Barbecue

18-hour brisket, pulled pork, house salad, and JÅGØV light.
The brisket was a little dry.

I hadn't seen Kim for a month and Bill for a year, and the start of 2018 was a good excuse to get together.

We met at Dan Gordon's, a new beer-and-barbecue place in downtown Palo Alto. Dan Gordon, who with Dean Biersch founded the Gordon Biersch chain of brewery restaurants, opened his eponymous restaurant at Gordon Biersch's first site, 640 Emerson.

We had met in 1978 while working at a lumber company (!) in Menlo Park. After 1983 we went our separate ways. We talked about bitcoin and blockchain and wished we were 40 years younger. Nevertheless, there's a lot to be grateful for, especially that we bought our houses long ago, i.e., in the 20th century.

Now that we're retired with nest eggs that allow for these outings, we'll be meeting up more often.